I have heard people say that having your own child changes you. However, oddly enough, I do not feel much different than before my son was born or even before I knew he would be born. Now, if they mean having a baby changes you physically, then, yes, I can see that. Truth be told: I am physically more tired than I have ever been in my entire life. All joking aside, it brings my wife and I much joy to have the little one around. One smile from this small and amazing human being and it simply brightens the day. I cannot stop kissing his cheeks enough.
It is something to think back to how he came into this world on September 21, 2016. (I talked about his birth on my podcast – Episode 04.) As he entered this world not breathing, I was pretty much close to giving up on him or him having something of a normal life health-wise. That is not to say that I would have loved him less or saw him differently, but I have a little sister with quite a number of health issues and I have seen the worries and stress that my mother wears on her face. Anyway, he is breathing fine and has been breathing fine. He has delighted friends and family alike and his grandparents seem to like him more than me now.
What keeps catching my attention is the changes that his body (and I imagine all babies’ bodies makes) has made in 5 months. Now, we all can go through changes, but babies (and my son particularly in this moment) grow rapidly. I mean his color is coming in, he smiles and tries to “talk,” and he really responds to people when they hold him. He is doing so much and I am truly proud.
I often daydream of what he could become or how our lives may look in the future. However, although I love to stay in an optimistic dream forever, my pessimistic side starts to rise up again. I cannot help it. I wonder if we will have time together to get to know each other. Will I get to see him become an adult? Will I get to give him advice like my father gave me? I do not desire to live a long time, so I do not long to see him married and with kids. That’s just not me. I know that may sound negative, but it is not in my nature to want to live past the age of 56 or 57. I have told my wife that I desire to give her 30 good years of marriage, then I can croak. That may sound as if I am depressed, but I can guarantee any reader that I am not. My mind was changed by watching elderly patients in a doctor’s office that I once worked in. I still remember: “I don’t want to go through all of that.” So, I would just love to see my son enter his 20s, and I hope that he is a God-fearing man, a respectable and loving man, and one who stands on principles and is intelligent, plus, I pray that he has the desire to love his mother and take care of her when I am long gone.
Well, I do not live in some stage of sadness or pessimism. But I don’t see everything with such a strong sense of optimism either. I just live by a hope that is day to day. A hope that we will get to do a lot of things together, and if nothing else, I love to cherish the moments that we have together now.
I will leave the rest up to God. I have to thank Him for even giving me my Baby Boy!