Inwardly Thinking

I just had my son on Wednesday, September 21st.  His arrival has changed everything.  My hopes and dreams, my career and plans, have changed.  And actually for the better.

I still reserve a little pessimism about our having this great life together as a family because that’s just the way I am.  I know life brings trials and tribulations.  It brings death and sickness and heartbreak.  I put on this facade of having endless hope for a bright future, but deep down I still worry of the bad events that will come in our lives.

Even now, I pray to God to let us have a lifetime with one another.  (For the atheist or agnostic that reads this post, I know that you all feel like prayer is a waste of time, but it is everything to me since I am a Christian theist.)  But I know that God’s Will may have other things planned a number of reasons that are above and beyond me.  However, I do ask to see my son live to adulthood, before I depart this world.  And I don’t want to live long; I am satisfied with dying at 56.  It will allow me to have had 30 years of marriage to my wife, which I hope will be good until the day that I close my eyes and breathe my last breath.  Yes, I am morbid.  I have always been like this as far as I can remember.  Anyhow, this is just my thinking because as I believe that God is in control, then He will decide what will and will not take place in all of our lives (me, my wife, and my son).  Even though I struggle with not knowing the future sometimes, I would not have it any other way.

I still think to myself what will be of tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year.  I still ponder:  will I get to build a relationship similar to the relationship that I have with my own father?  I am 31 years old and my father is still alive and kicking.  He has slowed down quite a bit and he is showing signs of aging (he’s got plenty of gray hair now), but he still has plenty of wisdom to give (my little brothers – aged 14 and 12 – are still getting to experience it now).  But my father has been a blessing in life.  I just hope that I can be a blessing to this blessing (my son – Elijah).

For now, I will just do my best to treasure each day with him.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. 56 is a short life. Congrats on your new addition.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. jadanner1 says:

      I don’t want to live long. Thank you, brother!


  2. It’s curious to meet somebody who does not want to live long. What is wrong with living long Jadanner? You must be having problems. If that is the case there are always solutions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. jadanner1 says:

      Oh no, brother, it is nothing like that. I have just seen how many elderly people need to be waited on and have a lot of physical issues when they get as old as I have seen them when I worked in a doctor’s office. So, I made the decision that I didn’t want to live long. But it is ultimately up to God anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand; and take a deep breath of relief. Cannot be happy to see a handsome gentleman like you die young.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. jadanner1 says:

        Thank you! That’s very kind!

        Liked by 1 person

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